Easter Cantata

Nothing says Easter like a good Easter Cantata. The definition of Cantata is: a medium-length narrative or descriptive piece of music with vocal solos and usually a chorus and orchestra.


 And so begins this story. It was spring of my sixteenth year when I learned that my Sunday School class was putting on an Easter Cantata. As we talked about which parts would be awarded to whom it was decided that I would be the lucky person to play Jesus.  I was pretty excited to have the "LEAD" role in the play.....um I mean Cantata.  We were acting out a song by Ray Boltz called "Watch The Lamb".  If you find yourself saying "I've never heard this song" or "Who is Ray Boltz?" then I suggest you stop reading this post right now, do a quick Google search and get acquainted with this epic piece of Easter Cantataness.  At the risk of angering many who read this blog I must admit that I have never met a Ray Boltz song that didn't make my skin crawl, but unfortunately for me and our entire church body I was the minority of my Sunday School class.

I should have paid closer attention when they were handing out the parts.  I shouldn't have gotten so lost in my own fantasy of how I would be the best Jesus ever to step foot on stage. (well since "Jesus" never really did many Easter Cantatas I could be the best.) I seemed to miss that the guys that got the roles of the Roman Soldiers were the guys that I picked on all the time, I seemed to miss the glistening in their eyes as our Sunday School teacher described how they needed to make the beating of Jesus as realistic as possible. I never imagined they would take their roles so seriously.

Each of us was responsible for our own costumes and props. I eagerly designed the robe that I would wear, doing extensive research.  One baptism robe and some purple cloth, a real crown of thorns and then most important part, a real life rugged cross.  I engineered a base that would allow the soldiers to drop the cross into it and some nails that were pre nailed that I could hold on to making it all very realistic.

Dress rehearsal went fine, but I still didn't get the tip off in the soldiers eyes. They carried out a nice "soft" dress rehearsal. Everything was looking great, I was about to seal the deal on my future acting career with this one stellar performance.

Three, Two, and we are live.......  I waited in the foyer for my moment to arrive, and then my Sunday School teacher opened the door and I entered, stooped, dragging my custom made cross with pre nailed nails. And then the Roman Soldiers, aka guys I picked on a lot, went into action. The whips that barely could be felt during rehearsal now were ripping through my baptismal robe and seemed to be tearing my flesh away with each lashing. I suddenly remembered how one of those guys was bragging about how his dad had gotten them "real" cat of nine tails whips. I also remembered how my Sunday School teacher had earlier encouraged them to make their beating of me as realistic as possible. Suddenly that center isle of our little church grew from just 15 rows of pews to 15 miles of agony. "I'm not sure I'm going to make it!" I thought. I tried to make eye contact with these rogue actors hoping to give them the "look" without of course breaking character. They were too busy yelling at me and making this whole thing look as "realistic as possible".  I even tried some improv, "Why beateth thou me so hardeth?!!" I yelled back at them. There was no reasoning with these hardened soldiers.

After what seemed like hours I finally made it to the front at where I collapsed, which was actually part of the program but I'm not sure I could have stood much longer.  Ray shouted from the sound system "You! Carry his cross!" This was the point which the soldiers picked up my custom cross with the pre nailed nails and made Simon carry it from that point on. I'm not sure this breed of Roman Soldier actually had the brain power to plan something like this but it sure worked into their evil plan to give ultimate punishment to this Jesus poser. Remember my custom cross with pre nailed nails? Well with me laying on the ground face down and the custom cross with pre nailed nails resting on my back, one of the Soldiers picked up one side of the custom cross.....well you get the idea. This made the other end of the cross come flying down to the ground and the pre nailed nail smacked me right on the face just below my eye!  It literally knocked me dizzy and I immediately could feel the blood beginning to run down my face.  We continued on with the Cantata and the thing is that all of these unfortunate events actually made what promised to be a sterile Easter Cantata a huge success.  Very realistic many would tell us later. Those Roman Soldiers claimed that they just got caught up in the excitement of the drama, but instead of learning from the character that I had just portrayed, I nursed my injuries as I plotted my revenge.

The Storm

Well I found myself awakened at 2 am this morning by a friendly call notifying me that a tornado was heading my way. So as my wife/meteorologist was checking in with the weather ninja online and turning on the telly, ......we lost power!  Only for a moment, but our hearts paused and then like a miracle from heaven the power jolted back on.  And that's when it all went into crazy mode.  Apparently the momentary loss of power created a surge that sent all of our sophisticated networked meteorological equipment (tv/internet) into a state of shock, which in turn sent us, mostly my meteorologist, into a crazy state of insanity.  So it's 2 am and we are running around the house screaming TORNADO!  I did a commando style belly crawl to the closet on the other end of the house where the shocked equipment is housed. Once there I used my skills to try to repair it, all the while I imagined that the tornado will be bearing down on the house at any moment. I gave the modem a good kick (learned this in Diesel Repair Academy) and then re-joined the rest of the family running around yelling TORNADO!

Eventually the hail stopped and the rain let up and we managed to log into our secret weather resource which my meteorologist with once sleepy now blood shot eyes informed me that the tornado was never even close. I sheepishly turned our house security alarm siren off and yelled to the neighbors that it was just a false alarm. (which I'm sure they appreciated)

I fell back into bed and tried to force myself to drift back to sleep in spite of the fact that I now felt like I had just finished my 12th cup of pure caffeine.